To my family:
I’m typing/emailing you a letter instead of writing you one. Seems easier, I can type easier than I can write. Some of this you may know cause of Face Book, and I have talked to Via Chat some. But I wanted to write a letter as well, personal. Where do I begin, I’m not going to say “Sorry” cause I have said it a thousand times so you may or may not believe it. This letter to you has been a long time coming, I just have not had the words yet. Today I am 209 days sober. I have just completed my first semester of college, with 2 B's in each class, I’ll take that, better grades than I did in high school. Lol. I’m involved in First Assembly church here in Fort Wayne. After first service on Sundays I take a class to teach me more about God. I love my church. I will not miss a Sunday. I have been reborn through Christ. Getting baptized was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has changed me into a person that God has always wanted me to be. I know that he has a plan for me. And it is an amazing one.
I don’t know if Grams told you I was living with an older couple in their 70s. Amazing family. Carol and I are very close. Her husband Fred is a great man, reminds me of Gramps a lot. He had a stroke a few years back so he needs help. I help them with the house or whatever comes up and they help me a lot. I’m very blessed, God drew me here. I met their daughter in rehab, and I was going to have to have a couple of surgery’s and she and her mom did not want me to go to a half-way house why I heal. I have been here almost 5 months. Her son and daughter in law both are school teachers and go to the same church as Carol and I. Her daughter and son in law are both preachers at a church in Ohio. Her other daughter is the one I met in rehab, she works at a nursing home.
Before I decided to get sober I was a mess, I was mentally and physically in pain. I was getting to the point I was drinking 24/7. I never stopped. I couldn’t or I was going to get with-drawls or start to feel emotions. I stopped myself or forced myself to not have any. I couldn’t. I was getting to the point that I did not care anymore, I was taking whatever was in front of me. I was lost. I was done. My mind was my enemy. I have a serious illness. A fatal one if I don’t manage it. A disease if you must. I did not believe at first that it was hereditary, but the more I studied the disease the more I believe it. I was giving up. The night before I sought help I was laying in bed, in horrible pain, my mind would not shut up, the devil, Satan or whatever you want to call him, would not leave me alone. For the first time in a long time I prayed to God my father, and asked him to relieve my pain, I asked him for a chance, that if I can make it through the night I would go to him, I would get better, my kids did not deserve a mom who just gave up. I begged him. When my best friend got up that morning, I told her I was ready. She took me to Marion General. From there they sent me to Fort Wayne. After 17 days of pure hell, detoxing, the doctor came in and asked if I ever thought about rehab, and that same second my best friend messaged me and said the same thing. I did not hesitate for a second. I went to rehab, God saved me, he gave me another chance.
There is a lot that has happened to me that is going to take time heal. My mind is a mess. With God I am rebuilding myself both mentally and physically. I pray for forgiveness every day, and I know that he has forgiven me. I have prayed hard for me to be able to forgive those who have wronged me. This is a constant prayer. I have a lot of resentment, fear, anxiety and my heart is closed up. I am having trouble showing my emotions, but for some reason they are showing a lot more. I think it was the stress of school. No sleep! I have to heal. And I will. I am currently building my relationship back up with my older two children. Those two have been my 2 biggest fans. I know baby steps with them and they know the same with me.
# I know in the past, you guys rooted for me when I was trying to quit. I wanted that help so much but I just was not ready, why? I can not answer that question. I was a mess, and I put my all into something that was so toxic for me. Then I became selfish, very selfish. That is what addicts do, they say. And I believe it. AA and NA have become my church as well. I say the Serenity Prayer almost daily. The words in that prayer mean a lot to me. I never wanted to become an addict. I did not wake up one day and decide to become selfish, and put alcohol and drugs before anything else. But it is all I have ever really known. As far as drinking. I never wanted to lose my children. I never wanted to hurt anyone. That is not me. I’m not making excuses for my addiction. I’m not embarrassed nor ashamed that I’m an addict, I do feel disappointment in myself. But if I was not an addict, I would not have gotten to where I’m at today. I know you do not understand this and I don’t expect you to. You will never fully understand what it means to be an addict. Or the pain that I feel. And that is ok. God understands and he is helping me heal. I have been mentally and physically abused. I have been raped and forced to do things I can’t talk about. But I am healing, and learning to love me again.
I am writing to you today because I am making amends to people I have hurt as a result of my addiction. Specifically, I know that I hurt you. For this, I am deeply sorry. I know that sometimes apologies are more of a burden than a blessing, but I would like the chance to apologize to you in person This will allow us to discuss how I have hurt you and what I can do to make things right. If you do not feel that you wish to forgive me, or you do not wish to have any contact with me, I understand. However, please know that I am deeply sorry for what I have done to you and would like to do whatever I can to repair our relationship.
If you would find It acceptable for me to make amends in person, you can contact me through email. Otherwise, rest assured that this letter will me my only attempt to contact you, I can’t afford a relapse and trying to ask for forgiveness is hard enough and rejection multiple times could result in a relapse for me. I also won’t try to attempt to contact you again, because I do not want to impose on your life.
With all my Love,
P.S. I have sent this letter out to whoever email I had, so I know some of you I have talked to some. So, you can disregard some of this. I just want to formally send this out so you can get a better understanding of addiction.